i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
