ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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