Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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