You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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