I could make wine with my vomit
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
