I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
