how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
