Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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