I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize