She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
