she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
