I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
