i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
