i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
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Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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