I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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