I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
