i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
