im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
