oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
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I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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