What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
