I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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