I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize