I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just gift wrapped bread.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
