Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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