I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
