i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
