she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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