does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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