don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
