You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
