please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
