I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
