I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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