I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
