Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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