There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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