Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
