When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
