I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
