So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
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Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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