I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
