so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
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Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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