I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
