I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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