Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You ruined the universe
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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