I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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