woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar