4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
