What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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