New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
