Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
In other news, I just burned my penis
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober