I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
