Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She just used a chaser for red wine.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
