I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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