Can i not drive my cunt home
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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