FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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