i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
