While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
