Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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