On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
